Outside Looking In

Never having been privy to my own
deepest desires, how do you expect
me to relay what I feel? Never one
for confrontation, how can I express
what your actions and words do to me?
Never one to put myself forward, to
be known or understood, how can I start
now? Perhaps it is my own fault for choosing
to not confide in others. Isolation
is my company. Where were you when my
thoughts turned dark? Not beside me and out of
reach is how you felt. Why did I not have
that bridge to support? I see it there, half
finished where I made some effort and gave
up when you didn’t build from your side. I
see it there where I never started
building to meet you. I see it there, completed,
but with a no trespassing sign hung to
show it’s only a facade. My world is
small, empty. I watch across the intervening
spaces as others come before me in
your life. I don’t know how to reach you. There
is not enough energy in me to try.
The only life I know is on the outside
looking in where my heart feels close to bursting
from the ache of loneliness. I don’t know
how to express this sensation that borders
on physical pain so I continue
to watch, looking on with regret that I’m
not strong enough to say how I feel. I
have felt abandonment. I have felt distance.
I have felt the emptiness of being
right there with no acknowledgment. On the
outside looking in, in a lonely place,
I have myself, as it has always been.
As the years pass, I know less who I can
turn to as I find other bridges that
have fallen in to disuse from lives that
have changed, taking you from me. How am I
to hold on without becoming bitter?
That feeling makes new bridges hard to build,
fearing that the connection will be lost.
Outside looking in, is where I am. Here
I wait, with the slightest bit of hope, that
I will build a new strong bridge to no longer
be outside looking in, but, perhaps, inside
looking out with the support I’ve been missing.

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