Self Love, Self Hate
This has been a week both good and bad for me. Earlier in 2015, I had begun a weight loss journey. Initially, I had great success. I had lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 pounds. That success hit a plateau. I held stable. I was not discouraged. At least I was not gaining weight again.
Then, my husband’s cancer was found. Oh, great, a major stressor. How was I going to handle this when I knew I was a major stress eater? Somehow, I managed to only gain back 6 pounds over the summer. Amazing! I could do this. I felt pumped that I had done not terrible. Maybe, maybe I could keep doing this after all. The doubting was not far behind.
Another problem, An excuse
Cancer treatment went well as did recovery from that. Surgery was looming. I deviated. I had listened to an audiobook about “Thintuition” aka Mindful Eating. I can do that, I thought. I can listen to my body, only eat when I’m hungry, only eat what my body wants at that time, and stop eating when satiated. No. No, no, no. That does not work when you are a stress eater. I put weight back on again, not a lot, but enough that I could feel it.
I had gone from my electronic food log to a written log. That did not last long. I tried to mentally be aware of what I ate. I was eating anything and everything not always in moderation. My brain had flipped a switch. I could not stop.
Deep in my subconscious, I missed the orderly tracking of protein, fat, and carbohydrate grams. I missed making sure I was under my calories. I could not find my footing to get back there. I even re-met with my medical weight loss team, and made plans to get back on firm footing. They kept reassuring me that I was not doing badly, but in my own mind, I was losing.
Stress Eating, Compulsive Eating?
This week, we had a wonderful coworker provide us a lovely assortment of food with meat, cheese, crackers, fruit, and chocolates on Wednesday. There was leftover birthday cake. Someone brought in cookies. I was gifted some Ferraro Roche.
I have not been feeling stressed in days. If anything, I have been feeling relief at how well my husband is doing. He even came to a work Christmas party with me on Tuesday. But Wednesday, on my goodness, Wednesday.
I did not stop eating. Every 5-15 minutes I had something in my hand and was eating. I even called myself out on it, but wouldn’t, or couldn’t stop. I found myself feeling disappointed and angry at me. Why couldn’t I stop? What was wrong with me? Was this stress eating? Relief eating? It felt like compulsive eating. I left work silently berating myself, hating myself.
Luckily, before I had left, I got ahold of my medical weight loss team. My doctor gave me an appetite suppressant to try. I don’t know what else to do. So, this morning, I am trying it for the first time. Super low dose, but it feels like it might be working.
I had an Atkins’ protein shake this morning around 8:00 AM. I am just now feeling hungry about 2 and a half hours later. This is normal. I have not had an urges to nibble on the assorted chocolates and cake I have seen in various locations. I will have another protein shake in a little while in between patients, or at lunch if I get busy enough to forget. Or I might get a healthy lunch if there is anything readily available in the cafeteria.
I do not want to feel miserable this time of year. I am hailing the end of 2015 with gusto. Please go away and bring me a better year with 2016.
The only comforting thought I have, regarding my weight, is that I have not gotten back to my starting weight. If I continue to move forward, perhaps, I will find a happy medium in my own mind.