Fear Becomes Reality

Six Months Post Op

We reached six months post op a few days ago. I think today is actually 183 days post esophagectomy. I had a bit of a delay in writing this one because we were experiencing a bit of uncertainty. Despite my desire to tell you that everything is glorious, I cannot.

As you may or may not be aware, depending on if you have followed my previous posts about this cancer journey, the husband has been having issues following his last dilation. We have been chasing solutions and answers to bile reflux and pretty severe constipation for just over a month.

Right now, we are trying to maintain some normalcy. It is a balancing act, and not at all easy to do between finding the right medicine combinations, diet, when to stop eating, how to sleep, and the list goes on. After multiple ED visits and phone consults with his doctors, he went to the ED again this past Monday.

Nothing Abnormal Here

As I just started a new job, he took himself. We did not expect anything out of the ordinary, hoping for some symptomatic relief. The staff tried some usual “tried and true” treatments that have worked for him before.

…Nothing. What? He let me know, and I insisted that they image him. He usually could have some constipation relief after treatment. What he told me was there was no relief and that he could feel “a ball” on his left side. I was immediately concerned thinking he had an obstruction.

After the imaging, he was back in touch with me to let me know that they were going to admit him. At first, it seemed like it was only going to be to help move his system along and clear him out. Some of the doctors, I don’t know if it was the ED or someone else, also told him that there was something odd on the CT scan that they were going to review again.

So, now he’s inpatient, and I’m spending nights at the hospital with him. My mind is running crazy, and I could tell he was concerned. As I am prone to do at this point, I emailed his team. Usually, it is just his surgeon, but this time I included his oncologist to ask that they both review his imaging and just in general let them know his status.

Gut Feeling

I think the weather this week has been mirroring my gut feelings. Eventually he did have some result on the constipation front. That is no longer my concern at this point. His surgeon had stopped by to let him know that what he could feel is a calcification and that he has one on the right side too. While they showed some increase in size from prior imaging, they were concerned about an unidentifiable “mass” that could be something just enlarged or something more, they would not know without a biopsy.

There goes both of us off in a quiet panic, discussing the maybes. Hoping for good. Mentally trying to prepare for not good.

The biopsy was done on Wednesday. He was discharged home Thursday.

When Fear Becomes Reality

Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever prepare you for the news. Nothing prepares you for a diagnosis of cancer. But NOTHING prepares you to be told Stage 4.

And I mean nothing.

No amount of mental preparation or supporting each other. It is a blow like nothing else. Everything becones focused on what next.


Our what next is to meet with his oncologist and surgeon on Monday. My new job is understanding. He is concerned for me for the future. I worry about him. We know not what kind of treatment he will be eligible for. Everything is in limbo for now.


On that note, I  will simply ask that you keep us in your thoughts and send positive vibes. I will check in more often than once a month again for his updates. For now, we are going to go see Captain America: Civil War since he bought tickets a month ago. Need a major distraction from that news.

Until next time…

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