Where to Begin?
I had intended to start writing again 6 months after my last post but found that I needed more time to get my mind back on track. My last entry centered on my moving forward with my life. Since that time, I have worked on blocking people from being able to engage with my life on social media. There are ways to contact me, however, they are slim, as those that I have blocked have either not attempted to reach me or have been supremely nasty with any contact managed. I am not putting anyone on blast for their behavior despite it making my heart heavy and sore. I have simply removed that method of communication and refocused on moving on.
I will never understand why anyone who seems to fully hate my very existence at this point would continue to try and wriggle into my life. You are not going to ruin my perception of myself. You are not going to control my life. It is mine, not yours.
The struggle to find my life is not easy. The loss of a loved one, be it spouse, parent, child, family member, friend, is never easy. As people get older, they will undoubtedly experience loss at some moment, likely multiple times. Finding your path through grief is hard. Finding your will and way to continue living with he loss is the hardest part of being a living, breathing human being. Everyone figures it out on their on and in their own time.
Me, Myself, and I
I was numb. I was lost in an abyss, floating in a void of grief and trapped in nothingness. The doorway, or hole, back to that lack of feeling is ever present by my side. I struggle daily to not sink back into the state of non-feeling. The way in which I avoid that unpleasantness is by focusing on living.
The numbness receded in February. Moving forward with life is an ongoing process and one that I take day by day, assessing every morning. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Every day is its own. Days may blend together. I have had weeks go by where I am conscious of the days passing by am then surprised by the fact that it is suddenly Friday again. This is still unnerving. Working is what keeps me on track. Being able to focus on something almost daily is a blessing.
I have reconnected with a friend from my youth. He and I knew each other back from the old AOL RPG days. I disappeared from his life when I met my husband. I disappeared from a lot of peoples’ lives back then to focus on what I had. Anyway, he and I discovered that we still have a deep friend connection. Perhaps more. We are seeing where life takes us at the moment. He understands that I am still highly irrational and dealing with grief daily. He has walked this road with the loss of his father. I find that I am stable having someone by my side.
I have become active is several groups on Facebook and am considering expanding my social media presence. It would be interesting to find some way to connect with more people. My drive to help others has not lessened. The trick will be to not stretch myself too thin. Progress. Life is a process. You can bet that I will let you know if I can be found elsewhere.
So, I am still trying to figure out finances. Figuring out how to adult on my own has been fun. Having new acquaintances has been nice. Having reconnection with friends of old is incredible. Finding that I can live and thrive is challenging but exhilarating.
Ideas Going Forward
There has been more gaming in my life. Mainly Minecraft. My guy has been thinking he would like to stream our gameplay like they do on Hermitcraft. It appeals to me. I also have thought about becoming a YouTuber and videoing my painting or other things. People already YouTube so much. I would be one of many, but I think it would be fun.
I have been focused on painting at least every couple of weeks. Ideas for writing have been returning. I find myself restless when I cannot be creative. So, creative outlets are essential to continuing on living. What can I create? The possibilities are truly endless!
It has felt wonderful writing this today.
It is very nice to be back.
Here’s hoping I stay back!