Countdown Paranoia

Today is Countdown Day 15.

We have a mere two weeks until my husband’s surgery. If I am being honest, I am nearing a freak out. Every day I get a little more wound up, a little more terrified. I feel like we will never get everything done before the surgery that we want to do around our home. I tell myself that I don’t care. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter. I tell myself that there will be plenty of time during his recovery to get to it.

It doesn’t matter.

I have a dark little monster living in my chest. It keeps trying to whisper negativity to me. I feel it flexing its claws to grab hold of me more firmly. Smug, golden eyes regard me with a creepy, sharp toothed grin. It looks like an evil Cheshire cat. I found a picture through the wonderful searches of Google. Here is sort of what it looks like. (If this picture belongs to you, please let me know so I can credit you. I did borrow the image from this deviantart site.)

cheshire cat in the dark by 0nesto

That is pretty close to what my monster looks like. It is relentless, and will probably be with me through the surgery and recovery. Please do not feel invasive to ask how I am doing. As much as I would love to shutter myself off from the rest of the world, I know that is not safe. The support I receive from everyone in my life is the balance that I need. One of the medications I received recently is also a great assist in keeping me calm. Some days, I am eternally grateful that we have pharmaceuticals in this country to help with stress and anxiety.

This past Sunday, he has finally admitted that as the surgery date gets closer he is getting nervous. This was actually bolstering for me. I know that he leans on me for support even when he is not saying it aloud. He is concerned about complications. We have discussed potential complications but do not belabor those in continued conversation. He is taking this seriously, trying to keep himself steady with some joking.

We have a few more “want to do” things that are planned versus the “need to do” things that may not get done. Personally, I’m looking forward to the want to do. This involves more quality time with each other, breaking from the world to soak up our enjoyment of each others’ company. I am fine with that. I want to make sure we are both doing as well as possible prior to this life changing event.

One day at a time.


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