Every year people resolve to do something: lose weight, be healthier, stop smoking, be nicer, change yourself! I would not want to guess at the percentage of people who fail their resolutions whether in the first few days, few months, or just call it quits before the end of the year. Last year, I set goals for myself, not resolutions. I did manage to lose some weight. By the end of the year, I was ready to send 2015 packing. So much happened in life that felt like bad was eclipsing good. I had to struggle most days to focus on the good.
This year, I want to find myself. I want to grow as a whole person. I want to grow in my spirituality, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I would like to be a generally overall happy and healthy person. I know there will be pitfalls. I know that there will be days and times when I hate myself and the world and think that nothing will be right again. I want to be able to keep a level head.
I hope to be an inspiration to those who meet me. I want to be the cause of a lot of smiles whether from being a genuine me and maybe sometimes from being a little silly. If I am truly me, I can be can overcome whatever life sends my way. I hope.
2015 in Recap
People I cared about passed. Most notably for me was Patti Grady from my work. I went to her wake and wrote her family a letter about the ways she touched my life and inspired me. Others from my work passed, all of them unexpected. People I work with lost loved ones. Those hit me hard by proxy. I have a hard time watching people I care for struggle with grief. There is nothing I can do except offer platitudes and a hug when accepted. My heart and prayers always go out to someone in need.
People I cared for lost children by miscarriage, stillbirth, or birth too early resulting in infant death. Children were born with problems like CDH or other problems and they fought valiantly but became angels all too soon. Supposed pregnancies haunted women with primary infertility and every month they were crushed anew when their dreams were dashed, again.
I went through several periods of blackness. My little inner beast flexed its claws and whispered in my ear enough to make me doubt myself. A stumble would turn into a fall that would be near impossible to rise from. I felt so lost often this past year. It was a struggle for days at a time frequently. More often than not, I internalized this and felt utterly alone, keeping everyone out. We lost one of hammies, and others have lost beloved pets.
The has been consistent silence from most of my family. For over one year, I have been trying to re-establish connections with family. I have not had an easing of the drive to reach out to people. It is like a calling. I don’t understand why family has to shut family out. Is it so hard to return a card, or letter, or text, or email, or add someone on social media to keep in touch?
My husband was diagnosed with cancer. Out of all the bad things that happened this year, this one hit me the hardest. This is the one thing that no one ever wants to hear. The person with cancer is of course hit hard, but as his wife, spouse, life partner, love, I was crushed. If treatments failed, I could potentially lose this man I have chosen to spend my life with. That end was just not to be considered. Watching him struggle has been some of the hardest times I have had to go through.
I found support. I joined support groups for me, for my husband. I reached out and have support for my PCOS, and offer support in kind as I am able. I found groups for my husband’s esophageal cancer. Those people have been guiding and helpful. As he has progressed, I am able to reciprocate and be encouraging and helpful to others facing similar trials. Every journey is different, and we all boost each other. I discovered a wonderful support group for my mental well being. Toward the end of the year, those people really helped me keep it together.
There are other groups I have joined as well to help fuel my creativity. It is incredible the breadth and depth of differences in people. There is amazing discussion that occurs is wonderful for expanding your own mind.
I also have some family that is actively engaging. A few people that consistently welcome interaction, offer support, and advice. I value these people more than I think they will ever know. If I can’t have everyone be open and welcoming, at least I know that they are there. And I will always express love for them, and thanks. In some of my darkest moments, these family members have seen my need for support and been there unwaveringly.
Our hammies, for the most part, are doing exceptionally well. The babies are nearing one year old. They are the sweetest little creatures, and any time they go to the vet the vet is impressed by how sweet, loving, and gentle they are. We get such love in those little eyes.
There have been engagements, marriages, pregnancies, and babies! While the pregnancies and babies sometimes cause pangs in me, I have learned to enjoy this news in others. The continuation of life is important. As long as the new life is loved and cared for, I can be happy. Babies are amazing, after all. That life that grows inside another human being and is so innocent.
I have found my creativity. I enjoy painting, reading, crafting, writing. Some of it is going very slowly. It doesn’t matter though, as long as I keep working at it. I have to finish a painting for my mother as a belated Christmas gift. And while I do not write as much per day as I would like, I am writing again. It feels so nice to have creative outlets. I also enjoy adult coloring books! I am all about patterns and symmetry and color combinations. They are some of the most relaxing activities I have. I also enjoy some games on my electronic devices.
My husband is doing well. I will be doing another post for his big 60 days post op. Today is day 58. He is still having some issues, but overall he is doing so well. I am looking forward to posting in more detail. It is incredible when I see some of the struggles others are having. His progress so far has eased my troubled self and allowed me to strengthen. In the event that something untoward happens, I will be able to weather it. Of course, with the power of positivity, I firmly believe he will continue to do well.
As it is the first day of a new year, I will strive to be the best me possible. Will I exercise every day? Probably not. Will I remember to eat right and track my food? Definitely not. I always forget. Will I lose weight consistently? Maybe. That one gets tricky. Will I always be happy? Nope. It won’t happen.
But… I will try! I will focus on learning me, and trying to remain positive in the midst of this crazy life.
I am also going to try the year long memory saver. Not sure if I am going to use a jar or box with paper strips or ribbon. Every good and important memory I want to write down so we can revisit it at the end of the year. After everything we went through this past year, I’m looking forward to being able to recount happy memories.
Of course, I would love to finish a book. I would love to become a mother. I would love to be helpful to others. I would love to lose weight. I would love for people to come back to my life that I have been trying so hard to get back. I would love for my husband to remain cancer free. If it is in my life plan, it will happen. I want to enjoy life every day!
Time to take the Christmas tree and decorations down!
Be Happy and Healthy
You will hear from me again in a couple of short days. I hope that everyone had safe nights last eve and that you had a good time whether you stayed in or went out. May you find your joy and bliss this year. May you always know that I am accessible as someone to talk to, and that I value all people and all life. I want people to have light hearts and happy memories. Let us leave 2015 behind, and cherish this chance to move forward again!